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To The Diminutive Lesbian Who Slept In My Bed Last Night was posted in January on the San Francisco > Personals > Men Seeking Women section of Craigslist:

Hey it’s me, the random guy you followed home like some sort of drunken puppy dog.

First of all, thank you for not stealing my stuff while I was asleep. I woke up this morning and you were gone, but you left your North Face vest. Email me with your name and we’ll figure out a way to get it back to you.

I’m also curious as to why both pockets are filled with beer bottle caps. Are you going to glue them to a table top, or do you just hoard things?

And I’m still kind of mad at you for preventing us both from going home with that girl we were making out with. I mean, that shit was in the bag til your drunk ass ruined it. sigh. Anyway, I’m giving your vest away to the shortest girl I know if you don’t find this and message me.

Good luck!

I really don’t know what to add…